Husbands and Wives

“Husbands and Wives”

1 Peter 3:1–7

Preacher: Rev. Mark Bartsch & Rev. Stephanie Bartsch

Kobe Union Church

June 15, 2025

Mark: four years ago, I weighed over 135 kilograms. I knew I was fat. I didn’t need anyone to tell me—even though some people felt compelled to remind me of my weight problem. These weren’t close friends, just people who thought it was helpful to point out my flaw. (Spoiler: It wasn’t helpful.)

But then a dear friend took me aside in a loving, non-judgmental way and asked if I was okay—how he could pray for me—because he was concerned. That conversation stuck with me. But I’m getting off track.I tried all kinds of diets—keto, paleo, you name it. Some gave me short-term success, but none of them stuck. Eventually, not only did I gain the weight back, I gained a little extra. Then I found intermittent fasting. It worked for me. It changed my relationship with food, gave me structure, and to date, I’ve lost about 26 kilograms.

But let me say this—because this is my point: I have other friends who tried intermittent fasting, and it didn’t work for them. Their bodies are different. Their needs are different. And that’s okay. I’m not here to preach a one-size-fits-all diet plan.I share this because I’ve seen many successful marriages that look very different from mine and Stephanie’s. One size does not fit all. But there are principles that define healthy relationships—discipline, consistency, grace, self-control, and maybe most important, forgiveness. And I didn’t mention love because I’ve seen people who love each other destroy each other—because they didn’t have discipline, grace, self-control (usually over their tongues), and forgiveness.

Stephanie: In the same way, when we talk about relationships—especially marriage—1 Peter 3 doesn’t give us a cookie-cutter model. But it does give us principles that lead to healthy, godly relationships. So today, let’s look at 1 Peter 3:1–7—not just as a set of rules, but as a picture of mutual love, respect, and Christlike humility.

And let’s remember: Peter isn’t just writing to Christians married to just Christians. He’s writing to believers, many of whom are married to unbelievers. These Christians were under persecution, and by relationship to their Christian spouse, these non-believing spouses were undergoing persecution too.

Let’s be real—this is not an easy passage. We pray that we do not offend people, but we know we cannot skip this passage either.

Mark: To be honest, I’m still learning a lot about what it means to be a good husband. Stephanie hasn’t fully housebroken me yet (Ha ha). Probably never will. But I probably know Stephanie better than anyone on this planet, and yet I still don’t always know what she needs from me. And the same is true for her. What amazes me is that she knows most, if not all, of my flaws. She’s seen me at my best, lowest, and most frustrated—and she still loves me.

Stephanie: As men and women, as husbands and wives—and even more, as followers of Jesus within those roles—maybe some of us need to unlearn a few things. You’ve heard the phrase, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” But sometimes it’s not about learning new tricks—it’s about unlearning unhealthy patterns. And that includes all of us. 

What patterns do you need to unlearn? Paul said, “But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13–14). See how Paul encourages us to forget or leave behind things that drag us down. Why? So that we can fully grasp the life and relationship that the Lord has for us.

Part of the joy of doing weddings is the pre-marriage counseling. One thing Mark and I do is ask couples to think about the healthy things their parents did that they want to bring along into their marriage. Often there are a lot of things we want to take from our human parents into our new relationship. But (And it is a big BUT) there are also unhealthy things that need to be named and left behind so we can grow into what the Lord is calling us to be. People of one flesh. 

Mark: We’ve all taken ideas—from culture, tradition, even church—that don’t always line up with the scriptures. You have heard the phrase “That is the way we have always done it.” It does not mean that that is the healthiest way. Jesus said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:43–45).

If you want a healthy marriage, start by serving one another—putting the other’s needs ahead of your own, as your spouse does the same for you. To be a little crass that is difference between sex and making love. When people have sex they serve their own selves but when people make love you serve the needs of your spouse. Sorry if that is too much for you but it is true. And ask you serve the needs of your spouse they serve you (Surprise, surprise) you experience something much deeper than you could ever achieve if you were just looking after your own issues.

Stephanie: This is a passage about undoing the curse—the fallout of sin in our relationships, especially in marriage. But even if you’re not married, there’s something here for you. All of us know people—friends, family—who are married. We can support them. And more importantly, we’ve all been shaped by the same broken patterns of this world and the same healing Gospel. Because this is about what Christ has done to heal what sin has broken in all of us, men and women alike.

But here’s the challenge: when some of us hear words like submit or weaker vessel, it doesn’t sound like freedom—it sounds like a caged door. And unfortunately, some preachers have emphasized submit in a way that does feel like a cage instead of the freedom that Jesus offers. Marriage—relationships between men and women—are a two-way street. We are both created in the image of God: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” — Genesis 1:27

Mark: Now, I’m not being unbiblical when I say that submit can also be understood as trust. Often, that’s a more palatable way of talking about this topic. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had co-workers and bosses who demanded that I submit to them—but didn’t trust. Trust is the basis of any meaningful relationship (friendship, marriage). Very few statements are sadder than “I have lost trust in you.” Because none of us can submit our lives to Christ—or to anyone—until we trust and love. And Christ is the model.

Others might hear those same words and think, “See? Men are supposed to be in charge.” But neither reaction captures what Peter is really saying.And this is where we need to pause and be careful. Words have meaning—not just the meaning we assign to them, but the meaning God intends. If we don’t define these things biblically, we’ll talk past each other—or worse, miss the heart of God.

A lot of what people call “biblical headship” or “biblical submission” isn’t really biblical at all. They base their model on culture. Our model of headship is not drawn from culture or tradition. It comes only from Jesus.

Stephanie: Look at how our Lord submits Himself to the Father—how He obeys, how He lays down His life—not for power or control, but for love. That is true headship. Not just in good times, but even in the garden, where Jesus says: “May this cup pass from Me. Yet not My will, but Yours be done.”

And our Lord can say this because He not only loves God with all His heart, soul, and mind—He also trusts God.

In marriage, we are called to trust each other. One of the most important pieces of advice Mark’s father gave us when we first got married was about decision-making. He said, “It takes two people to say yes, but only one to say no.” So when one person isn’t ready, the other is called to pray and wait.

This was put to the test when we went to seminary.

Mark: And men, you are called to submit and trust your wives, too. This is not about hierarchy. This is about union with each other under the headship of Christ. This is about reflecting Christ’s love in your relationships. And we all fall short of the glory of our Master. Every one of us.

We all come to these words with assumptions—some from our wounds, others from good but limited models like our parents. But there is a higher model. And when we copy patterns from the world—even ones that look Christian—we get lost. So we must come with humility, ready to be re-formed by God’s Word.

To understand what Peter is saying, we’ve got to go back to the beginning—Genesis. In Eden, when people lived in union with the Lord, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed before each other and before God. They didn’t have any barriers or secrets until they both disobeyed God. There was trust, delight, and partnership.

If you’re married—or if you want a biblical model for friendships—cling to these three words: trust, delight, partnership.

Stephanie: Adam rejoiced over Eve: “Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh!” She was his match.

But after sin entered the world, everything fractured. Adam blamed his wife: “The woman you gave me…” And Eve reached for control. God said, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” That wasn’t a blessing. That was part of the curse.

And that pattern—of men dominating or withdrawing, and women reacting by taking control—still plays out today. That’s the world twisted by sin. But Peter is saying: that’s not what you were saved for.

In 1 Peter 2:9, he reminds us: “You were called out of darkness and into His marvelous light.” That includes your relationships. That includes your marriage. The gospel doesn’t just save us from judgment—it sets us free to love differently. To treat each other differently. To live out a new pattern—one that looks like Jesus.

Peter starts with wives: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands… even if some do not obey the Word.” This isn’t about inferiority. This is about Christlike strength. Peter isn’t telling women to become doormats. He’s calling them to live in such a way that even if their husbands don’t share the faith—who might be harsh or spiritually cold—they can be won over. Not by arguments. Not by nagging. But by a life so full of the hope of Christ that it speaks volumes. That takes strength. That takes deep courage. It takes the support of other believers. This is faith in action—trusting that your life, in Christ’s hands, can preach louder than words.

Peter says: Don’t get caught up in external beauty—hair, jewelry, clothes—but instead pursue the “imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” This principal holds true for men as much as it does for women. Focus on your inner beauty. That doesn’t mean being shy or silent. It doesn’t mean that a husband or wife shouldn’t look good for their spouse. But it does mean that the outside of the cup is second in importance to the inner light—our inner beauty. It means working on the inner person, not just on the outer self. It means being anchored in God. A heart that trusts Jesus so deeply it no longer needs to control the outcome.

Mark: Peter lifts up Sarah as an example—not because she was perfect, but because she hoped in God. She made mistakes—remember Hagar? This is the woman who laughed at the Lord, incredulously, at the promise of a child in her old age. But in the end, she entrusted herself to the Lord. Maybe you’ve made mistakes too, like Sarah. But God still has room in His plan for you. To use you for His glory.

Then Peter turns to husbands: “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way… showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” That phrase, “weaker vessel,” is easy to misunderstand. It’s not about moral, intellectual, or spiritual weakness. It’s about physical vulnerability and lower social status in Peter’s time. And even today, that kind of vulnerability still exists in many places.

So what does Peter say? Honor her. Lift her up. Protect her dignity. Treat her as a fellow heir of grace. An equal partner in God’s kingdom. Because that is what your wife is.

And Peter doesn’t pull punches: if you dishonor your wife, your prayers will be hindered. I’ll say that again—if you dishonor your spouse, your prayer life will be hindered or blocked. That should make every husband stop in his tracks. You can’t be cruel at home and expect closeness with God. So where does that leave us?

Stephanie: If you’re married, this is a call to repent—to turn away from the curse and lean into grace. Husbands, that means leading with sacrifice, not selfishness. Wives, that means trusting in Christ, not control. And both of you—together—image the love and humility of Jesus.

If you’re single, this is for you, too. This is about learning to relate in a gospel-shaped way. Honoring each other as fellow image-bearers. Preparing for a kind of love that reflects the cross.

And for all of us, this is a call to bring our relationships to the feet of Jesus. Let Him undo the curse in our hearts. Because the only way forward is grace.

So let’s go back to that story I started with—losing weight. What worked for me might not work for you. But the principle that worked—discipline, structure, grace, forgiveness—those are universal. The same is true in relationships. There’s no formula. No perfect marriage manual. But there is a Savior who redeems brokenness. A Spirit who empowers us to live differently. A Word that calls us out of darkness and into light.

And maybe that’s what Peter is doing here. He’s not giving us a rulebook. He’s giving us a vision—a vision of how Christ can restore what sin has distorted. How men and women can walk together—not in fear, not in dominance—but in the beauty of the gospel. It is a two way street.

Mark: “A successful marriage is not the union of two perfect people. It is the union of two forgiven people.” —Ruth Bell Graham

So let’s ask Jesus to do what only He can do. Let’s ask Him to make our homes little outposts of His Kingdom—where love wins, humility reigns, and the curse is undone.

Lord, let our homes be places where your light shines—where fear gives way to faith, and where both husband and wife reflect your Son, who gave Himself up for us all. Amen.

Discussion Questions:

1. What are some cultural or personal assumptions about marriage and gender roles that you may need to “unlearn” in light of 1 Peter 3:1–7?

Consider how tradition, upbringing, or even church teachings might have influenced your view—and how Scripture invites a deeper, Christ-centered pattern.

2. How do trust, delight, and partnership reflect God’s original design for relationships in Genesis—and how can we cultivate these in our marriages or friendships today?

Reflect on the connection between spiritual intimacy and emotional or relational closeness.

3. Peter calls wives to live in a way that reflects the hope of Christ—even when their husbands are not believers. How can this principle apply to all Christians in difficult relationships?

Think beyond marriage—how might a quiet strength and Christlike love impact others in your life?

4. In what ways does the example of Christ redefine leadership, submission, and mutual respect in marriage?

How does Jesus’ servant-hearted leadership challenge both husbands and wives to love differently?